I am debating with myself how ethical I would feel combining the wordcounts of about four novels to get to 50k. Because barring me getting a huge word boost on the Arthurian story, I'm at the point where I probably need at least three 10k days to get there. I'll see what I can do, because I don't want to loose NaNo this year, but I don't know if I can make it this year. Which sucks.

In other words, still officially sitting at 31k.

I'll be honest here. The very reasons I might loose are also the reasons that, on some level, I really need to win. I've been depressed and sleep-deprived most of the year. There's a part of me that is shocked that my friends have put up with me as much as they do, given the tears and the complaints and the general wrapped-up-in-my-own-problems. I don't regret the four days I took off because of school work. I shouldn''t regret the days I took off because I needed the break desperately. I hadn't really written in two months at the beginning of November, and apparently I've been lacking the mental stamina to stick with one thing right now. I just don't have it. I am exhausted. I fulfilled all my school obligations and I got the go_exchange piece turned in. I've got bits and pieces of at least three novels I like.

And I feel like the only thing I'm good at, the only thing I want to do, I can't even force myself to do. Which is, of course, stupid, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm some sort of failure this year. And I can't seem to convince myself that being even a little put together is more important.

*deep breath*
*and another*

Took a break from NaNo, because I am seriously having trouble with it, in favor of a music drabble meme. I kind of cheated (I skipped rule number one and just opened it up to whatever characters happened to be in my head, although I may do a more character specific one later, just to see if that makes things any easier or harder). It's kind of interesting results, and I'm not sure how much sense it makes, although I thought I'd post it anyway, just to see if first-thing-in-the-morning-randomized-inspiration did anything interesting.

Mostly Arthurian, although Judas got himself in there on the second song.

Also, for an asexual person I have a lot of love songs on my playlist because every single album I buy except possibly Winnie the Pooh favorites has a love somg on it! I'm pretty sure even my holiday albums have love songs on them, because . . . yeah. Rant averted, but we're kind of inundated by romantic expectations. Fortunately at least three of the five that came up were fully platonic. *headdesk*

And without further ado, meme rules:

1. Pick a character, pairing, or fandom you like.
2. Put iTunes or equivalent media player on random.
3. For each song that plays, write something related to the theme you picked inspired by the song. You have only the time frame of the song: no planning beforehand: you start when it starts, and no lingering afterward; once the song is over, you stop writing. (No fair skipping songs either; you have to take what comes by chance!)
4. Do 5 of these, then post.

Keeping in mind that these aren't polished at all. . . .

( I seem to swing between angsty and optimistic a LOT this early in the morning. . . . )

Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

I suppose I can be evil. Sometimes. The INTP I definitely believe, it's my usual Meyers-Briggs result, just not quite sure I'm Voldemort.

Morgan le Fae maybe, but Voldemort?

Still at 20k. I need to get my characters out and about, rather than awkwardly having an argument.

Cheers!

I probably ought to quit visiting the "review the excerpt" nano threads, since while I've gotten some good reviews which have strengthened both of the ones I'm doing this year and all in all gotten idea of what people want in my fantasy story in particular, I'm not sure it's worth the frustration associated with it. After all, when a review starts with the words "not my cup of tea" it's not going to be a helpful review at all; you would think the person reviewing would know that and move on (and then to gripe about an unclear ending while making assumptions clearly contradicted in the excerpt, when it's already clear they're not the intended audience? Gah!). What really kills me is that it was the one who said the second synopsis was confusing and not really grabbing that was afraid of being rude, when they're both legitimate concerns for the writer.

Anyway, am probably copy-pasting the reviews that were at all hepful/encouraging and bowing out of that discussion. Which is sad, because while I didn't use it much last year, the year before I loved those kind of mutual-reviewing boards. *sigh* Either people are getting stupider or I'm getting to be a good enough writer that large sections of NaNo can't help me anymore, which is kind of saddening.

Cheers!

So since my original short story idea for the week decided it was a novel and probably my NaNo, I had nothing to write for the short story due on Friday. This is irritating.

And then on my way out of the shower after basketball today, I was presented with the following opening sentence--- "It was the fifth week of my longest stretch of artist's block in living memory when my sister told me I needed a boyfriend."

I can write that narrator. Because God dammit, I am that narrator.

I love my siblings. Or at last that's what I keep telling myself. . . .

I have two female lead characters! Yeah, I know, it says something about just how bizarre my gender concept is that this pleases me as much as it does. (Yeah, I realize I haven't actually talked about that with anyone here, I've just spent the last couple of months trying to make sense of it. . . .) One of them's connected to a romance plot, so I foresee some major research-slash-badgering everyone I know who's ever been in a heterosexual relationship at some point in the future. The second is the first female narrator I've had in ages that wasn't paired with a male counterpart (Robin I'm looking at you). A little alternate universe, a little dystopia (although where it came from I haven't the least idea), oh and changelings. I have about half a dozen scenes from that one, and while I'm not sure where it's going, it's quite insistent and it promises to be fun.

Oh, and I have five scenes left of Judas. FIVE! But I can't convince myself to bite the bullet and write them just yet. Dammit. I'm almost finished with the 150k+ monster that has eaten almost a year of my life. And my Arthurian stuff is getting put mostly on hold again. It's used to it, though.

Cheers!

I need a facepalm icon.

Also, the "major legendary character is actually a GIRL" plot twist is getting really damn OLD. I don't care if its Robin Hood, King Arthur, or Hercules. Feminists eviscerate me if you must, but really . . . why the hell do people genderswap heroes in order to get a strong female character? And why does no one realize that this attitude that a strong female character must be identical to a traditionally strong male character is at this point a step backwards? Because CLEARLY moral fortitude, Chessmastery, and the ability to tear holes in other people's logic are all subordinate in strength to a lame one-liner and a BFS. Of course. Idiots.

I am really starting to hate this one bit character (the 10-year-old daughter of Judas's boss). She's instrumental to this one scene, and I can't seem to get a decent grip on "10 year old." Right now she's just foiling her dad by displaying a little kids curiosity towards everything WITH the willingness to ask the questions Godfrey decides are "Jude's" own damn business. And I think I have a physical need to finish this sequence today, because I am not getting anywhere and I've been working on it for a freaking month! (Granted, two weeks of that has been my various attempts to write the scene between Judas and Marty, the rest of it rewriting this damn scene).

Um . . . at least I'm writing?

Have begun economics class. We'll see how much the next four weeks kill me. Am still not sleeping the well. We'll see how long it takes until a) my body takes over and demands I sleep or b) sleep-deprivations drives me crazy enough that my family actually notices. First test went relatively well, at least.

I will finish this scene before I go home from the library. That is final. . . .

ETA: Told you I would.

Have been working on Arthurian drabbles as a writing exercise. I've produced almost thirty of them, usually as 100-word character studies. Here're some of the ones I think turned out very well. I'd love feedback, good or bad. (All of them are G-PG rated.)

Enjoy.

( Neither Arthur not Bedivere understand women )


( Kay is challenged )


( Dinadan is likewise challenged )
( Lancelot regrets )

( Tristram reflects )


( Percival knows what he is )

Any feedback appreciated. Cheers!

Home at last and looking for a job. Yeah. Ten applications thus far. I think I've applied to every sandwich shop in town. We'll see how it goes.

In the writing world, you may note that needless to say the mini-nano didn't happen. I only got about half the goal done--- a good 15k, but not the pace I was hoping for. I'm still working on Judas Remaining, and fighting a killer writer's block to top it all off. At this point, it may be partially because I'm writing bits I know I haven't properly researched and am therefore gutting during the rewriting process. I'm also a little awash in the world of I-know-the-climactic-situation-but-am-still-clueless-about-how-the-lead-responds. (I can't just do a messy, physical showdown between Judas and Felis, although that would make my life a lot easier.) Also, ohmygodIwanttogutit. All of it. I think at this point about 80% of the novel is getting rewritten in some capacity.

Finally gave in an bought a study Bible. There is a strip of sticky notes where the Synoptic gospels are.

I''ve got three Camelot stories brewing in my head. The bet is that at least one will run away when I'm finished with Judas Remaining. This is not cool. I may summer nano with one, and if the other two are still around in December they may become my actual  nano.

Productive? Me? Well, I mostly managed to unpack, does that count?

Yes, I have Italian homework, English homework, and Chem homework I should be doing. Or, alternatively, I should be sleeping. One of the four.

Yes, I am writing instead. Typical.

Judas got over 100k today, and yes, I did manage to crash Marty's car. On one hand, so yeah, I managed to cross one hundred thousand words, which I realize is normal for a lot of works, particularly a story with as many ins-and-outs as this one. On the other, it's 100k. This has been the longest I've ever taken a story for about 20,000 words (although to be fair, scenes I'm going to keep regardless of the extensive revisions to the beginning, I'm probably still around 95k).

Also, my guestimation about how much I have left before the car crash was right. *dies of shock* Does this mean I might actually be right for the length of the piece for once? Probably not, but a girl can hope, right?

*throws confetti and resolves to get to the phone call before going to bed* That's not too far, right?

Cheers!

Two posts in one day? The world may die of shock.

Melissa and I commited to getting 1200 a day for the rest of the month--- kind of a mini-nano thing, based on an estimation of how much of Judas Remaining I think I've got left. She's just trying to get writing again. Me? My stated goal is 33k in 28 days, but really--- I'm finishing Judas by the end of the semester come hell or high water. I really, really need to put another novel behind me, especially this one, since he's been on my computer in some form or another for eighteen months, and in this form for five now. And this is one I want to edit.

227/33000 right now. I may be updating with word count just to keep myself on task, so expect me around (and posting) mildly more often for once.

Cheers!

It's pretty bad when my English book on Chaucer and Gender Theory just made me foam at the mouth about Arthurian legend. But seriously, if you're going to use Mallory, use Mallory, which means Morgan le Fae was an ambiguous character and had nothing to do with Mordred's birth or conception aside from being related to both parties.

Please, for the love of God . . . literary crit should do its research. . . . *whimpers piteously*

Yes, I am anal. No, I can't rant about this slip-up in my book review.

Also, I may have to write a short or a series of shorts on the swords Arthur has used that aren't Excalibur. If only because I refrained from being anal to someone else on a forum this morning. And because it's an interesting topic.
 
. . . . my self-announced mental health day has gone to hell. Again. Should go back to bed but can't . . . .

Cheers!

So, I'm at home, it snowed, my siblings were off of school for a week straight (a four-day weekend plus three snow days, why does that never happen to me?) and Mom and I got kind of harried and I didn't manage to get anything done. I realize I can't objectively blame the sibs for this, but  . . . it's tempting. Tomorrow and today when I get home from the library I will be desperately trying to catch up on Celtic Civ and get something written on Judas.

About him . . . I've tapped into 90k (I suspect I'm going to get to the 100k mark around the car crash---which means I get to destroy the scant stability it took 100k to build up. No, I don't hate him . . . the story just requires me to torture him, whether it be with curtains or with everything falling apart). That is, however, only about 2.5k for the entire week, and only about 5k from the last post, when I said I wa finally getting back into it. 5k! The NaNoing part of my soul wants to curl up and die.

At least it's somewhere, I suppose.

In other news, I have been consumed by the Good Omens fandom, and I might join lower_tadfield so the asexuality comm with stop eating my friends list and it will top drowning in angst (ohpleasohpleasohplease). Got new icons, too.

Anyway, I'm still alive, still writing, (sort of--- got a short story written, got an idea for another, and I want to go back and revise Sir Fool so I can start circulating them and maybe have some credits to my name when I start querying for Judas.)

Cheers!

I took almost a month off from writing Judas Remaining. I'm mildly pissed off with myself for doing so, but I felt like I had lost direction on the novel and was floundering, and it was much, much better to write Arthurian drabbles and accomplish whatever small thing those were (maybe I'll post some later) than bat around at an unfinished 80k and possibly spiral it into an unfixable mess.

At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

I finally got a brain storm today, for tying his conversation with Leia into more than simply his continued humanity (evident in the fact that he's still interested in, say, sex) and into other things--- such as the concept of naming oneself, which is present in the story and really needs to be brought out in subsequent drafts (Judas obviously chose another name to go by, Marty goes by the masculine nickname), and that Jude, Judas's pseudonym, in addition to being the diminutive of his given name and a Beatles' song, is the patron saint of lost causes (something Judas arguably is). Apparently Leia's Catholic. Who knew?

Also, whilst playing around with my archangels I discovered that Raphael, the patron of healers, is also considered the patron of the priory of Seattle. I wish I could honestly say I planned that. I'm using it anyway, but that's really just happy coincidence.

So, yeah, I'm hopefully writing again. God, that feels good just to think.

Cheers!

I use this icon not because this has anything to do with NaNo, but because I feel as though the nuclear apocalypse bit is appropriate.

Tech support reinstalled Windows on my computer yesterday, since I got a bitch of a virus. Provided the 4G jump drive I loaded homework, stories, Arthurian Art, and a music file I would otherwise loose onto isn't infected, my losses weren't as bad as they could have been, but I'm still in the process of rebuilding my system from scratch. I am rather pissed off and currently afraid of facebook, gaia, and google image search because of it (these being the likely places I got said virus). I'm sorry I haven't been around a lot, and if either of the people that actually read my livejournal knows where I could find decent references for mastiffs, I'd be greatful (lost my bookmarks, obviously).

On a less hellishly angsty note, I shall now give the following New Year's resolutions.

Writing Related:
1) Finish Judas Remaining
2) Edit Judas Remaining
3) Query for Judas Remaining
4) Finish at least one other novel
5) Write around 250k this year. I can't keep improving if I'm not regularly producing stuff.

Art related:
6) Finish completely redoing my Arthurian folder by the end of this semester. It's a lot of art, but art's relaxing in a way writing isn't always.

Other:
7) Get my GPA back over 3.0 Yes, I am aware how sad this is. My self-motivation apparently died when I graduated highschool. :(
8) Continue to, you know, have a social life. I'd like to do all of this and somehow stay an emotionally healthy person while managing. I can dream, can't I? :-P

So, here's hoping life's going better for the rest of you.

Cheers!

So, given that I rewrote all 700-odd words I actually produced yesterday (because yes, they really sucked that badly), I pulled a 3,754-word day today and caught back up from where I fell massively behind this weekend. I'm sitting at 35,215 words right now, and that is an awesome place to be (and I still may write more tonight). Judas actually cooperated with me for a while today, and I enjoyed writing enough to not feel it become a chore after the 1.6k mark (or less TT-TT) the way a good chunk of the Seattle scenes have been.

I'm back on the ball. Yippeee!

Cheers!

It's raining and generally not a good day to be outside, or to concentrate on anything much.

So, naturally, rather than dealing with the fact that Judas apparently abandoned me yesterday and I'm going to be stuck rewriting a decent chunk (because I wanted him to be far more proactive than he's actually likely to be. . . .), made another banner. Because I'm brilliant like that.

Actually started last night, but oh well. . . .

I'm actually fairly happy with it--- Marty's lower half bothers me a little but all in all it turned out fairly well.

( In case it saves the friend's pages, again. . . . )


Cheers!

A light bulb just exploded. No, seriously. The lamp had been on for about two minutes, when suddenly the bulb dropped onto a pillow with a pop, smoke was emitted, and that sort of burnt electric smell accompanied it and is still permeating the room. It had gotten very hot, and after a few tries Becca picked it up with help from a couple of tissues and examined the black stuff that had been sprinkled on the inside.

We turned off the lamp and are not planning on using it again anytime soon.

In other news, my Italian homework is done and I'm a little over 19.1k, meaning I only need to get 900 words to get to 20k tonight, which I would really like to do even though I'm not entirely sure I want to write the transition chapter I'm on. At least I have a way of getting Judas gainfully employed and some idea of what he's making (about $20k a year, incidentally), so I'll be able to set things up again before Marty gets back on the scene and some serious "pulling him out of his shell" resumes.

Happy writing,
Cheers!

I may still be sick (I know I was sick yesterday), since I only managed to eat half a yogurt and decided half a dozen Wheat Thins were a good substitute for the rest, and my head is still pounding.

BUT . . . my Italian lab isn't due until Wednesday, so there's no need to panic about it, and I am nearly at 12k and past the annoying bit that I had so much trouble writing. It may be a good day despite a stomach that doesn't want anything.

Cheers!