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Oi. So it's the general life-update time I get every once in awhile when I need to turn things over in my brain.

NaNo is over. I did 60k this year, because I crossed the 50k mark and my brain just sort of gave up. I have a feeling I bit off more than I can chew in more than one sense. There are some types of "working through shit" that mean I can't stop writing, and there are apparently others where I have difficulty starting. The last year and a half have been the latter, and I think I'm over beating myself up about it, finally.

I went home for Thanksgiving, and felt mildly uncomfortable the whole time. Went to see Deathly Hallows with a few friends (actually, that movie is worth seeing, folks!), and then a good friend of mine drove me home. We started talking about a lot of stuff, but, especially since he's the first person I was able to articulate "I wanna be a 'he'" to, we eventually got round to gender and the fact that I have no intention of going to grad school -- at least not immediately. I need some time on my own and outside my parents' sphere of influence to figure myself out, see what I want to do with my life -- and what I want to do with my body.

I don't know. That suddenly made things very awkward. He's been pretty good at using "he" instead of "she" and while he still stumbles over my name, he's trying. But when I mention the possibility of physically changing my body? Things are suddenly hellishly awkward and I want to punch something. Not like my body has any effect on him. Also, I need to remind the world that this is about my gender and not my sexuality.

I can want people to look at me and see a boy (because I have to live in a binary world) without it having anything to do with my genitals, or about my sexuality. This doesn't mean I have to reevaluate being ace. I can be ace and a guy. I can still find sexism incredibly irritating and be a guy, too, but these seem to be the two things people have the hardest time wrapping their heads around.

And it is finals. I should be working on the book pitch for my public speaking final. I love that I can pitch a book for it, but the idea of getting up in front of my class and geeking out about it kinda freaks me out, too. *wanders off to look for visuals*


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Jan. 18th, 2011 09:24 am (UTC)
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Interesting…and I agree with all of it. Keep up the excellent work…I will undoubtedly be back soon
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )