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It's three-oh-two in the morning, I have an eight am class, and I just spent the past four hours watching television on my computer. I can't sleep, and I don't know that the body will go down in a couple of minutes when I set my alarm for seven thirty and resolve to try. I was sick all weekend and actually slept, so now I'm back to three hours a night. And whether I sleep or not, I'm still not going to actually join in the discussion because that single class, out of all my classes, wakes up my fear of being wrong. Even though it's freaking Shakespeare and that is beyond not rational. I'm taking two classes outside my major, and its a class on a playwright I'm very fond of where I can't speak up for fear of being shouted down by alternate interpretations.

Will probably post some of those prompts tomorrow while freaking out over my speechwriting class. Tonight, this is my generic shout out that I hate insomnia and I hate my life so that I can get it off my chest. Because GAH!!
I have slept through at least two of my Shakespeare classes now. As in, I didn't wake up in time to go to them. *headdesk* Although, given how much time I spent asleep last weekend, I'm probably mildly ill. And incredibly sick of the drama that is happening in my social circle. And I'm sure at least one of them is wondering why I've been avoiding her.

Also? I cannot work on any of my extended writing projects to save my life right now. I'm only writing at all because I've been responding to prompts.

*looks at all 8 or so people on his flist*

So, if anyone wants to give me Arthurian or Harry Potter drabble prompts (or any of my other fandoms, for that matter), I'd provide commentfic. And if they're Marauder era prompts I will love you greatly, because there seems to be be a dearth of them on the comms I've been going to.
I still owe someone Supernatural fic, but I seem to be all but constitutionally unable to write what I want to right now. But this waltzed into my head and is showing no signs of going away via my internet browsing. Damn my muses. Seriously.

Title: Moving Towards the Middle
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: James(/Lily) & Sirius(/Remus)
Wordcount: 1559
Summary: One of them is learning to pull back, and the other one is still working up the nerve to just spit it out.
Warnings/Notes: Idiot teenage boys?
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Sirius was sprawled in the grass, half-asleep, when James landed.Collapse )

So I've been thinking about gender again

More talking to myself via the making-a-post box that I may or may not post.

I don't know. The first week of school actually went fairly well. I made all my classes, gave a speech that I didn't totally bomb for Public Speaking on Thursday, failed to write anything with content, and on the whole it's not been a bad week. I still owe icarus_chained  fic. I really will get it to her.

This week is also the first time I've been consistently "he" ever. And on one hand that's good -- it's really good, since hearing "she" all the time really boils down to being reminded every single time I'm referred to in the third person that I'm playacting female, again. But it's going to take a little bit of getting used to, because I'm so damn used to the act that I don't expect to get to hear the right pronoun.

I was playing around with binding this afternoon  instead of doing the appropriate homework, because combined lack of cash and lack of confidence means I'm not actually getting a real binder yet. Actually got myself flat enough that I felt like I might be able to pass with a couple of ACE bandages today finally, which isn't easy with my freakin' D-cup. Couldn't get myself out of the bathroom, even though the only other person home was the roommate I'm completely out to. I've resolved to show up to Shakespeare while binding Monday morning, because seriously no one in that class cares.

Also? I want to change my name. There's a gender neutral nickname that goes with my feminine name, but at the same time its one I've been all my life and, therefore, it feels feminine to me. I used to think of myself by the male-oriented nickname, but that's never felt entirely right, either. But be they rational or irrational fears, rejecting the name my parents gave me feels too much like rejecting everything else they gave me, too. It's not that I dislike my name; actually I like it. On someone else. Someone actually female. And I know what my name would have been if I was a boy, but I can't do an end-run around that feeling like that, because it's my little brother's name (my mom really wanted to name her son after her dad). And while he's a J.T. and I could presumably be either a John or a Jack, no. I'm not asking him to share his name with me.

I know I want something that's gender neutral and leans male, at least in my brain (I know I've got slightly older tastes when it comes to gender-neutral naming, and gender neutrals tend to phase female after awhile). Like Casey or Aubrey or something like that, but not those particular names. I've always loved Kit as short for Christopher, but while I can kind of get behind Kit I dunno that I can get behind Christopher. (I've also always loved the name Noah, but I know I don't feel like a Noah.) I keep coming back to Kit when my mind wanders down the road of "what do I want to be called?", but I don't know if that's because it feels right or just familiar, since I've done some roleplaying as Christopher Marlowe (yes, I am that much of a geek). I don't know. I did some roleplaying as Shakespeare, too, but I never really considered Will as an option, but that may or may not mean a damn thing. This whole concept of naming myself is confusing as hell to me because its never really been something I thought I'd do.

Seriously, I need to make an appointment with campus counseling services and maybe talk to someone who's dealt with a kid in my situation before.
I'm currently working on a gift fic crossover for someone that will be later than I intended, but hopefully will be up sometime tomorrow. And also working on the budget for Ren Club, which I should really get sent out before midnight (I can dream) In the meantime, there are two angel-centric comment_fic responses I was rather pleased with.

Title: Breaking Down
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Lucifer
Wordcount: 669
Prompt: He never wanted to be the bad guy in this story. (via ivotedforsaxon )
Notes/Warnings: None
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He was falling to pieces.Collapse )

Title: No Flight to Freedom
Rating: G
Characters: Gabriel
Wordcount: 415
Summary: Gabriel walks away from heaven
Prompt: "Exchanging wings for walking," accompanied by this beautiful piece of art. (via jabber_moose )
Notes/Warnings: None.
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Even grooming his flight feathers himself made him nervous.Collapse ) 

Supernatural Fic: After Hours

Title: After Hours
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Parings: Dionysus/Castiel, offscreen Dean/Castiel
Wordcount: 1639
Summary: Castiel gets a little bit drunk in Dionysus's bar, and the old god goads him into admitting what he wants.
Warnings/Notes: Written for ravenspear on comment_fic with the prompt "Castiel gets really smashed, and Dionysus heartily approves." Because Danny's actually one of my favorite Greek gods. Also, it came out a little oddly.
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It was a small, slightly worn-in basement bar in New York City called the Vines.Collapse )

Rambling About Writing and Thematics

Sometimes I can come back to story lines and fandoms that I haven't toyed with in awhile and realize just how much I've changed. I don't mean in my stylistic growth as a writer -- I've been writing seriously for at least ten years now, and while I'm not dead yet and therefore my style is still developing, one of the few things that I a damn certain about myself is who I am as a writer. So my narrative voice is, frankly, changing at a relative crawl. (This is incidentally the reason I suck at Original Flavor fic. I'm not the original author, and I have no interest in attempting to mimic them, even when I'm playing in their sandbox.)

On the other hand, it does interest me how much my themes have changed.

Yeah. I've come back to the Harry Potter fandom for the first time in a couple of years. Last time ninety percent of my efforts as a writer were focused on the Black family, which I still think is the most interesting aspect of that series to explore, because they're a fascinating group of characters and Rowling left so many unexplored corners in their history. That said, last time I also found myself focusing on the character of Regulus Black. That he was a Death Eater that nevertheless didn't get half the level of bile from Sirius that the likes of Bellatrix did was something I found interesting even in my first reading of OotP, and the character I wound up constructing for him (because I'm not going to pretend mine was canon) was a character conflicted in his definition of family. It was certainly one that was more traditionally focused than his brother's, but the Regulus Black I wound up writing honestly believed the "Blood is thicker than water" mantra, to the inclusion of family members the rest of his family ostracized. His inability to play peacemaker and his unsuccessful attempts to either reconcile his family or let one part or another go made an interesting landscape to toy with in his getting in and out of the Death Eaters, and gave me a motivation for his eventual death that wasn't merely a "suddenly realizing that everything he was taught was wrong" cliche.

So, basically, the last time I was involved in the Harry Potter fandom, my main focus was either on a character to whom family was everything or the House of Black as a whole.

Now, part of it is that I've reentered fandom via prompt communities and, therefore, I'm writing in response to something, but that hasn't been my focus this time. I've been much more interested in the dynamic between the Marauders and Lily, in Sirius's chosen family instead of those people he just so happens to share genes with. Part of this is that there's not a lot of new ground for me to cover in the House of Black, but part of it is that I really couldn't get back into Regulus Black's headspace if I wanted to. My themes have changed.

Family -- how its built, how its destroyed, and how the parts of it play off of one another -- is still and always has been a major theme in what I write. I have my doubts that will ever change. And while sibling and parent-child relationships are certainly still a part of that, what I've been writing over the past few years or so is less about how families are messy and more about how the very concept of family is messy. When do friends bond closer than brothers, when do you let go of the people you've relied on all your life, and so on. I've been writing about kids growing up from the point of view of the best friend and eventual lover of a single father, a woman realizing that her husband's best friend is pretty much her brother-in-law, and an angel banished to earth who's forged birth certificate eventually bears the last name of people who took care of him. I'm still also writing about the big brother who defines himself as the protector of his little siblings first, and the guy desperately trying to reconcile his brother and his cousin, too, of course, but I don't believe in the exclusion of blood as a marker of family, merely that it's not that simple.

I'm also, kind of, at a point in my real life where I'm in some cases closer to friends than I am to family. Where who I trust with what is a big deal right now, and where I'm trying to sort out who I'm clinging to and who I'm getting emotionally ready to let drift away. I'm bad at keeping up with casual emotional connections, and I've never really been good at differentiating between familial bonds and deep friendship, mostly because I believe that if they're real there's not really much of a difference. I'm a big sibling at heart, too -- I want close relationships with people I can take care of as well as people I can fall back on, and the thought of loosing the latter is scary and the former makes me feel totally useless. And I guess it's no surprise that as my focus in life has been shifting towards the less traditional of those deep bonds, my focus in fiction has been headed in the same direction.

Still kinda interesting, though.
Sometime in the future, I'm going to have to start looking into whether or not I'm renaming myself. On one hand, my name is clearly feminine and that means I'm not going to want it for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I realize it's different for everyone, but I do love and respect my parents, as incredibly frustrating as they're being just at this moment, and they gave me my name, which is something I find quite different than the societal assumptions that attach the female pronoun to me automatically when you see the shape of my body. The idea that I might be ready for a name that fits before I'm comfortable letting my parents into this process is not something that sits the greatest with me. I don't know. I am probably being irrational about the implications of rejecting the name they gave me, but something like this is a big deal. And I didn't do the greatest at getting them to listen about my asexuality or my insomnia, so I wonder what makes me think I'd be any better trying to tell them their eldest daughter is a boy.

So, since my name's the feminine form of a guy's name, I guess I'm mostly trying to decide if I'm most comfortable just going with that, or if I'd really rather it be androgynous.
Finally worked up the nerve to tell a real life friend of mine I would really rather be called by a male pronoun.

Okay, actually, he called to talk to me about his 21st birthday and I kind of blurted it out, but I did it. And he told me that if it made me more comfortable in my own skin, he'd do it.

That's, like, the first time I've just point blank said it in RL, and this makes me happy.

Supernatural Fic: Six Months

Title: Six Months
Rating: PG
Characters: John, wee!chesters
Wordcount: 1354
Summary: It’s Sammy’s first birthday, but that’s not the anniversary that’s on John’s mind.
Notes/Warnings: Written for violet_eyes  on comment_fic  with the prompt “first birthday.”
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The morning routine was well established by now.Collapse )

Harry Potter Fic: Salvaging

Title: Salvaging
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Sirius, James, Regulus
Wordcount: 3259
Summary: A few weeks after he ran away from home, Sirius and James break into Grimmauld Place to pack up a few necessary pieces of Sirius’s life.
Warnings/Notes: This wouldn’t get out of my head. Wish I knew why.
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Breaking into Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place was a bitch.Collapse )

Jul. 31st, 2010

So today begins what will hopefully be a two-to-three day mass fic posting. I'd like to clear out the mental box of "fic to be written," and I'm estimating that six or seven of the things in that box are around 2.5k, and therefore will be posted here. Supernatural, Harry Potter, a Sherlock Holmes . . . basically all the fandoms I've wound up wandering in to. And I'd like to get everything out of the way except the trans!Holmes fic, and only not that one because I'm not entirely certain how I'm gonna end it.

Hopefully, when that box is cleared out, the couple of original stories I want to be working on will be coming through much clearer. I'm on a fanfic binge right now, and I know it, and the fact that I'm actually writing is so important I'm just riding it out. I can't sleep and I've got an attention span of maybe half an hour just now, but words are appearing on the page, and that means I'm doing more than just holding myself together.

Supernatural Fic: Winchester Cussedness

Title: Winchester Cussedness
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: John, girl!Bobby, girl!wee!chesters. John/Bobbi
Wordcount: 8543
Summary: After his falling out with Ellen, John isn’t certain he wants anything else to do with a female involved in hunting, even an armed-and-armored recluse like Bobbi Singer. Bobbi and John’s girls, however, have different ideas.
Warnings/Notes: Written for a gender AU prompt on comment_fic . Because the very idea shook the dynamic between the four characters up so much that it insisted I turn it into a proper AU.
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John Winchester did most of his hunting solo, and when circumstance pushed a partner on him, he generally demanded they be male and, if at all possible, single.Collapse )
So the elderly air conditioner broke down in the house sometime on Saturday, and it's now cooler outside than in, since the outside contains no heat-producing appliances like ovens and dishwashers. And also more air circulation.

Needless to say, I'm  spending as much of today as possible either at the library or in the yard.

*insert usual insomnia griping here* I was sleeping better until this weekend. I'm not certain what, if anything, triggered the "you will only get 2-3 hours a night!" again, but its frustrating. Put the extra awake-hours to use last night and actually tried to plot, though.

So this morning I did an add-up of all the fiction, regardless of quality or type, that I've written this summer. It's actually in the ballpark of 50k, which is not bad, and would be all right if I weren't unemployed. Yes, most of it is fanfiction of varying quality. What's left is mostly fragments -- a false start on Francis's Lay, a little background dabbling on the faded gods 'verse, a scene from a YA Arthurian novel I keep swearing I'm going to write, and urban fantasy roadtrip story bits. But there are, and this is important, finished pieces in there, two of which I don't hate, are coherent narratives, and over 3,000 words. Even if they're both fanfiction, and one of them is very open-ended, those are four things I've had a hard time getting into one piece lately.

I also may have finally written my way into an original story that won't get blocked on page two or make me fall to pieces right now. Here's hoping.

Arthurian Ficlets: A Series of Snapshots

Yes, this is a transparent bid for feedback. And a crossposting of comment_fic stuff again.

Title: A Series of Snapshots
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairing: Lancelot and Gawaine
Wordcount: Six snapshots, all <700 words
Summary: They were rivals, yes, but also one of the steadier friendships in Camelot. A series of snapshots in the lives of Arthur's champions.
Notes/Warnings:
This is one of those annoying relationships that can be either read as an established romantic one of a nonsexual variety or a close friendship. I'm not actually certain they know which it is. Also? Concrit is more than welcome; these are characters I write outside of posted fanfiction.
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*snap*Collapse )
 

Argh!

You'd think I'd be able to focus long enough to write 200 damn words. You really would. Apparently, however, this is too much to ask. That sound? Was my head meeting the metaphysical desk because the computer's in the way of meeting the physical one and anyway, I've got another sinus headache from the bloody weather.

Yeah, I know I've done an awful lot of bitching about my focus/lack thereof lately. I used to have the attention span to burn through 200 page YA novels in 45 minutes, or write 3-4k in one sitting without too much trouble. Used to. I've read very little new literature lately because I keep getting sleepy in the middle, and I can't seem to produce much writing unless I'm online babbling to a writing buddy on AIM, or writing maybe a hundred words and taking a break, repeat. It's frustrating as hell.

Heck, just about everything I've done lately has been broken up a little. I was washing dishes last night and wound up annoying the hell out of my father because I kept pacing from the sink to the pantry. I mean, at first it was the jokey and mildly annoying "The bowl doesn't go there," and then it was "What is going on?" and I wanted the lame jokes back. Because I don't know what the hell is going on. I just feel the need to pace. Admittedly that's not unusual for me, I do most of my thinking up and moving, pacing the hall or the street or just making circles through the house. I've got a lot of nervous habits, and actively covering ground helps me focus on what's going through my head rather than the pattern I'm tapping out on my knee or whatever.

But I want to sit down, I want to accomplish something, and the messages I keep getting from the brain are "get up, pace, your mind is in shambles and you need to sort through it." And I'm torn between yeah, okay, I'm going slightly stir crazy and I'm a pent up ball of nervous energy and "But I also need to sit down and get something done, even if its another short story for a few more magazines to reject, or I'm still going to feel like I'm flapping in the wind."

Also, I know I haven't come anywhere close to telling her, but as of last night, if my mother calls me her eldest daughter one more time there will be trouble of one sort or another. Look, I do have a brother, but he is younger than I am, so if you're picking me out of the whole, Mom, I am your eldest child.

And I know they don't work all that well, but I probably need to pull out the sleeping pills and try to get some real sleep.
So, new LJ theme. While I'd originally chosen the grey-text-on-black for the simple reason that it would be easier on my eyes, I decided I needed something a little more cheerful.

I'm way too tired to think straight, in other words. Which is a good time to be futzing around on LJ. *headdesk*

Supernatural Fic: But For the Grace of You

I am exhausted. This is the first of two 'punk-style AU's I promised various prompters, but the other one probably won't appear until tomorrow because this one got long enough to tire me out. Also, I had enough fun with it there's a better-than-even chance that this will be illustrated in the next forty-eight hours, just to exorcise the last couple of images from my brain.

Title:
But For the Grace of You
Characters/Pairings: established Dean/Castiel, Sam, Gabriel
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 6552
Prompt: “When Dean discovers that it’s not only steam power than keeps the Machines running but also angelic Grace, he also finds out that his best friend has been an unwilling part of this system.” (Steampunk AU)
Notes/Warnings: Written in response to sycophantastic ’s prompt on comment_fic . I was mildly torn on whether to label this a steampunk AU or as gaslamp fantasy, since the nature of the prompt and just the way things worked out in my head draw so heavily on the original world’s mythology, but in the end I decided I was best off giving it the better known label, even though it’s hardly “pure” steampunk.
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In which there is dicing with Tricksters, alligator-filled sewers, and Dean acting with all the common sense of a concussed lemmingCollapse )
So I went through the fan fic I had written for comment_fic over the past three weeks or so and decided that there were three Harry Potter fics I rather liked and wished to crosspost to other communities. Because I am a feedback whore who has actually written something I'm not totally displeased with for once. I'm not certain whether to headdesk or actually be pleased that I've written something I don't hate.

Posted as a group to save the flist that friended me at a time when I really wasn't writing this much fic. . . .

*clears throat* Anyway. . . .

Title: Brighter Than Any Star
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairing: implied Sirius/Remus, Lily
Wordcount: 927
Summary: It's been five awkward months since the Whomping Willow Incident. Maybe it's time to mend some fences.
Notes/Warnings: The original prompt for this one was the title.
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So there were many, many things that Sirius Black was good at buggering up. . . .Collapse )




Title: Family
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Lily/James, Sirius
Wordcount: 1155
Prompt/Summary: Lily had forgotten that not all injuries could be treated with magic.
Warnings/Notes: N/A
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It wasn't the physical scarring she was worried about.Collapse )



 

Title: Tired
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Remus/Sirius, James
Wordcount: 1419
Summary: James panics without back-up. Remus is hurt and tired of fighting with Sirius.
Notes/Warnings: The original prompt was "The pain has never been this back before." Another take on the aftermath of the Whomping Willow incident, although the two fics are not mutually exclusive, as I imagine the reconciliation took awhile.
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James has always been the one who doesn't take any chances.Collapse )
You know, I should really just give in and start looking for a Supernatural icon right now, you know? More comment_fic that is going to run too long for comment boxes. . . .

Title: The All-American Road Trip To The Grand Canyon
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Dean/Cas, Sam/Gabriel
Wordcount: 2456
Prompt: Road trip (complete with car games, rest stops, Gabriel whining "are we there yet?" & making out in the back seat)
Summary: When the boys are back together, Dean decides it is time that they had a real vacation. In short order, the three are joined by a fourth party who promises to make Castiel's introduction to the great American road trip to the Grand Canyon even more interesting.
Notes/Warnings: Lord, this prompt hit "I want to write happy!fic right now" buttons I didn't even know I had. I remember in season two Dean said he'd never actually seen the Grand Canyon. I don't know if he managed to make it there in the next few seasons, but I thought probably not. And there is no logical explanation for Gabriel's presence. Just go with it, mmmkay?
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"Are we there yet?"Collapse )

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